The Church of St Goss

I saw the Bishop Gray earlier today. Good morrow, Prophet, said he. Good morrow, Bishop, said I. To what do I owe the pleasure? Me and the congregation, said he, down at St Goss's, were hoping you'd regale us with some tales of your time as a monk

Why of course, Bishop, since you asked so nicely, said I. I'll tell you now, then you can relate it to them later on. Splendid, he said. So we sat down at an outdoor table with a pair of Sex on the Beaches (both for him) and I started my tale, Bishop slurping, listening intently, squinting in the sunlight as I spoke

I always wanted to be a monk ever since I was a kid. I always had strong resistance to temptations and sins. Never committed a serious crime. Always had a good moral compass

I rapped about crimes and said I did crimes all the time. But Eminem said in his songs that what he says isn't real. So I didn't think anyone would believe what I said was real either, as I was just saying the same as him

I have strong resistance. But peer pressure and gang lifestyle made feasting, boozing and taking drugs seem like virtues. They were lauded instead of avoided. So I kept doing them for years

My method of chatting up girls was getting drunk or high or both, then spewing a load of rubbish about how awesome and criminal I was. As that's what my mates thought was cool, I thought it would impress the girls. Except they believed me and thought I was an actual criminal, not knowing the sweet boy behind the words

When it all went skew whiff though, I pondered deeply what went wrong. I saw that drinking and drugs were sins, because they messed with your mind and physical health

I also sensed the girls were angry at me for being a Lothario. I never was a Lothario. But that's how I seemed to them. What happened is I bored one girl to death with one sided socially irrelevant conversation due to being autistic. Then she would get bitter and resentful and start annoying me back. Me not knowing why she was doing that, I would get proud and say forget you then, and leave her

We never made love. It was just chatting. But the cycle repeated. I went through the same process with about 5 girls from chatrooms. I didn't realise they were all friends. I thought they were completely unconnected. So they all got together, decided I was a Lothario, and got mad at me

Realising that's what happened, I realised dating lots of girls is a sin, as it makes them feel used and undervalued. Even though I never slept with them, just chatting them up then leaving them is a sin. Furthermore I realised my manner of speaking was sinful, all my swearing and false boasting

I had always wanted to be a monk. So now seemed like the ideal time to say goodbye to my old ways and devote myself to religion by swearing vows. So I vowed not to date unless I wanna marry, not to drink, not to smoke, not to take drugs, not to overeat, as I was getting fat as well, and also not even to speak. I had been misunderstood and wrongly accused so many times that I actually vowed not to speak at all. Then no one could misunderstand me. It worked

So I lived in silence for many years. Later on I realised feeling bitter and angry at people was a sin, so I vowed not to do that anymore either. So that's my journey as a monk. I'm still a monk now. It is my life. I follow God's will. I don't sin. I don't sleep around. But I will marry if a lady gives me her hand

I will still be a monk even with her. Too much love I believe is a sin even with your wife. Though I have only had one serious relationship. It only lasted a year and I was young. So I don't have much experience. If I ever get a wife, I'll let you know how it goes

Jolly good said Bishop. They'll love hearing this at, hiccup, mass today. Then he walked away, back to the bar, empties in hand, swaying side to side to the tune of the band