Lyrebird

I really don't want to talk about this. But there is a gossip group who keep on at everyone about it. So I have to write this just to set the record straight

I wrote numerous blogposts before, trying to explain what happened. But it's difficult to explain the intricacies of human psychology. Most people don't know why they do things. So it's taken me a long time to work it out. I have a very carefree attitude. Not formal like a doctor or lawyer. So my attempts at explaining it in the past weren't always well understood. So I will try to make this statement more precise

I am completely innocent. God wanted me to go through this situation so that I could share the story with you. So let's be thankful to God and for this story. The story helps people understand human psychology better. Especially the psychology of autistic people with ADHD, and how such individuals interact with the general public

As soon as I learnt to talk, I began mimicking everything I heard like a parrot. Stuff on TV, radio, songs, from books, games, stuff people said. That's because I'm hyperlexic. I copy words just for the fun of it, without even caring about what they mean. Like singing, tra la la la la. It means nothing, it just sounds nice. But I might repeat (I'm a crazy psychopath, I'm a crazy psychopath) over and over in the same way, not thinking at all about what it means. So people get the wrong idea

As a kid, everyone thought my sweet cartoon words and Christmas songs were cute. As a teen though, when I started listening to gangster rap, and hanging with older boys who swore a lot, my words suddenly weren't as cute anymore. But I didn't see the difference. It was all just words to me. So I became the foulest mouthed fellow you ever met. I never learnt social skills either, because I'm autistic. So I struggled to make friends. I would cover up the nerves and confusion of not knowing the right thing to say, by loudly reciting gangster lines from tapes or films. No one knew I had autism, so they just thought I was evil, sick or crazy

So many times I didn't know how to respond correctly. If money went missing, I didn't know how to show my innocence. So I used to get nervous and shifty, and people suspected me of thievery. If someone spoke about a racist they hated, or a killer they hated, or a pervert they hated, I would likewise get very nervous, as I am socially cueblind, having autism, so didn't know how to respond. I would look shifty or laugh or say something silly. So I got a lot of funny looks, and it made me feel like they thought I was all those things as well

Drugs didn't help. They were alright on the high. But afterwards, the comedowns just made all those awkward, confused and frightening thoughts and feelings return, even worse than before

I joined the army to escape the druglife. But in there again I found myself accused of thievery, racism and perversion, yet I was none of those things. When I started acting nervous around everyone once they called me a perv, they started giving me very mean looks, and saying they were gonna hurt me or kill me

So I had a nervous breakdown, and got sent to the mental hospital. I was glad, because I didn't want to go to war. I never knew I'd have to go to war. I only joined for the training and discipline. I was so naïve, I didn't even know I'd have to hold a gun. I thought it was an optional activity. I thought it was adult cub scouts. They wore green like cubscouts, so I assumed it was the same thing

I was too scared to tell the doctors all this I'm telling you now. So they diagnosed me with psychosis instead of autism. I never knew what autism was, so had no hope of learning social skills. So I just became a loner, staying home, not talking to anyone. But deep down I wanted friends and a girlfriend

I met one. She was nice and invited me to live with her. So I went. Still a completely naïve fool with a mean look and sharp tongue copied off gangsters. She told me her dad was a perv. I didn't even know pervs were a real thing, honestly. I seem with it, but really I am a total div on cloud nine. How you think I know all this stuff about God? It is not from having a sharp, shrewd perception like a thief or predator has, let me tell you. It is from living in lala land, where I am all the time. So please don't be surprised I never knew pervs were real. Spoof films were my favourite thing. Everything in them was jokes. Murder, perversion, the lot. So I just assumed life was like that. I made friends with people who liked spoof films. Anyone who didn't like spoof films seemed really grim to me, so I avoided them. The girl I was with loved spoof films, and we were both always talking and laughing and mimicking spoof stuff. So when she told me her dad was a perv, I saw no difference there. It was just another gleeful spoof subject, so I started joking about it. I was glad to joke about it, as the gloomy people of my past had bullied me about it, so joking about it was a way to feel good about something that had troubled me for so long. I didn't realise at the time the jokes would be upsetting to her, and were raising red flags for her. I never knew it was real. I read about evil people and the devil in the Bible. So I genuinely thought that the people who accused me of being a perv were just making up false things as an excuse to harm me. As the Bible talks a lot about false accusations. So I never believed perversion was real. I just thought violent, evil people made it up like a witch hunt, as an excuse to kill people. That's genuinely what I thought. Witch hunts were ridiculous. They used to accuse people of conjuring frogs out of fire. So I thought the perv thing was like that, a made up, troll under the bridge story. I hated the people who said they hated pervs and gave me evil looks and made me feel nervous and scared when I was innocent. To me they were the evil people of the Bible. So I avoided them. Now when I heard this girl talking of it, and she was always jokey and spoofy, and didn't give me evil looks, or say she hated and wanted to kill her dad, I was very emotionally relieved. It was like the heaviest, most horrible weight ever lifted off my chest. I was so happy and loved her so much because I could finally joke about the subject around her, and not have to worry about being murdered over it. I used to imitate all sorts of things around her, at home, around town and in the countryside. Often in the bedroom I would innocently spout spoof lines or drama lines from films. I'd seen a film where a guy says who's your daddy in bed to a woman and she loves it. I wanted to please my girlfriend. So I said that line a few times, at random, on the spur of the moment, thinking she would love and find it funny, like everything else I said. It meant nothing to me. It was just another line like I'd always repeated all my life. A few days later, we had an argument about household chores, and she called her mum. Her mum is one of those mean faced, accusing people, and I found her very stressful to be around. I could never cope with being around her. I had to live with her for months and it was quite unbearable. She let me live in her house for free. She's very hospitable and generous. But I saw all the evil people who had tried to kill me in her eyes, and it made me sick, and I couldn't cope, and I hated her, like a dog that has been beaten and then bites a friendly new owner. I'm sorry I hated her under her own roof and avoided her and wouldn't talk to her. But I was traumatised and had no social skills and didn't know how else to respond. My girlfriend knew I didn't like her mum. So when she invited her mum down to our new house without asking me, I felt extremely upset. I was utterly confused. I couldn't understand why. I just had to get out of the house before she arrived. So I went travelling in my car for a week or so. I had absolutely no clue it was related to my dad jokes and bedroom skits. No clue at all, as I never saw them as any different to anything else I'd ever said in my life. I just thought my girlfriend had been brainwashed against me by her mum, and was being evil to me like her mum. So I just left completely hurt and upset. After a day or a week, I don't know, I managed to find a phone and call her. I said I missed her and wanted to get back with her. But she said no, she's moving back with her mum now. So I went back to live with my mum

Several years later, I was depressed, no friends, paranoid, avoiding all the evil people, worshipping God, working for God, writing the Sunray Project to save the world. Then I spoke to a new girl online, hoping to make her my new girlfriend, someone to share my woes with, hoping she'd help me with the project. I was still terrified the soldiers who called me a perv were after me. It hurt me so bad, I still cried over it, but had no one to tell. At last, I told her about it. The first person I ever told. I didn't know my ex was watching. Now on two separate instances, people were thinking I was a perv. This was big news! They were onto something! So they set up a sting operation, where they pretended to be a girl with a kid sister to entrap me by provoking me to say perverted stuff. I was drunk and sad and depressed and confused and didn't think perversion was real and have been a hyperlexic parrot since I was a toddler, who repeats anything and makes jokes of anything carelessly without thinking anything is serious or real. So I was chatting to this girl for a few weeks, and she kept provoking perverted jokes out of me. I just wanted to impress her so she'd be my girlfriend. But she kept switching between kindness and coldness. Kind and friendly and provocative, then cold and accusing and threatening after I said something. Then kind again. I was mentally and emotionally vulnerable. I was so alone. I really needed someone nice in my life. So I let this girl go kind and cold on me, as I loved her kindness so much, I put up with the coldness. But after a while, I had said enough perverted things that she had enough of a case against me to threaten me with death, and tell the whole chatroom what I'd said. I cried my eyes out so bad, and haven't stopped crying inside ever since, and I'm still crying now, and I hope this blogpost finally proves my innocence to everyone