Jukebox

When I was a kid, I bonded with friends like brothers, so seemed socially normal.

But on hitting teenhood, I wasn't able to keep up with all the new social rules. My old friends changed their behaviours, and I couldn't understand why.

When it came to meeting new people, I often felt spaced out and confused, but no one knew I felt that way, and I didn't know no one else did. I thought they all felt the same as me. I thought it was just like zits, something everyone had, and no one wanted to talk about.

So to cover it up, I used to copy what people said, and shout it loudly. My boldness was seen as confidence, and my anxious undercurrent of social awkwardness went undetected.

Yet socialising was a struggle. It drained me, and I often upset folks accidentally by things I said, faces I pulled or gestures I made. I often didn't realise I'd upset them, and when they told me, I couldn't understand why they were upset. It was scary.

So I withdrew socially. Stayed at home in my room, boozing and taking drugs alone.

The drugs weren't working, but they wouldn't go away. So I left town and lived in the forest for two years.

The forest was too small. I knew every tree. I wanted to see the world, so joined the army. Thought it would just be adult cubscouts, like Ray Mears. Didn't know I'd have to hold a gun. Hated that, and failed to socialise in there too, lonely forest boy.

Due to the guns, social ineptitude, and drug flashbacks, I started getting paranoid, thinking all my training pals were talking about me. So I had a mental breakdown.

Never did a tour. Never went to war. Got kicked out for being mentally unstable. Met a chick in the madhouse. Finally, someone normal! She could understand me.

Fell in love for summer. But we split when she went uni.

Became a recluse again, never going out, just staying home on my new laptop. Who needs friends with one of them?

Went in chatrooms anyway, just because why not? Still hadn't learnt social skills.

In my old life, I was a rapper. Copied Eminem. Mouth full of insults. It was normal to me. Didn't think anything of it. Words never meant much to me. I'd say anything to anyone at anytime without a care, not meaning anything by it at all.

Tried chatting up a bunch of girls on the net, like I used to try in my old life, on the streets. I failed on the streets, and I failed on the net, due to social clumsiness.

Not sure now if it was real or not, but I started thinking everyone in chat was gossipping. I felt like they were accusing me of being the kind of crook Eminem raps about. I can see now why they might be confused. But back then, I didn't understand. You can say crazy stuff on stage, but not in chitchat.

That was ten years or so ago. Haven't spoke to anyone since. No one in more than a decade. I took a vow of silence. Meditating on relationships. Reading books on manners. At last the penny is dropping in the jukebox of my social skills.

The record still stops and starts, but I'm getting there. My words are crisp, so you might not think I find social stuff tough. But I do, but I'm doing my best.