Mockingbird

Stuff means different things to different folks. War vets have been known to say "You don't know, man, you weren't there." Everyone says that too, don't they? How many times have you heard, "You had to be there, really"?

If you've been through something, it really means something to you. You have deep thoughts, views and opinions of it, and sensitive feelings

If not, you treat it like a child does, irreverently, like a lighthearted joke or game. You don't take it seriously, coz you don't really know what it is. You haven't experienced it, or spent much time thinking of it

Parrots don't know what they're saying when they say "Polly wanna cracker." They don't know what the words mean, they are just copying the sounds without thinking

Yet when you give them the cracker, it don't stop them greedily gobbling it up and enjoying every morsel, does it?

So you could say the parrot knows what it's saying because it enjoyed the cracker. But in reality, it would've enjoyed the cracker just the same, whether it said those specific words or not

That's very much like me. If I sing an Eminem song while I'm eating dinner, it doesn't mean the two actions are related. I love my dinner, and I love shouting out whatever happens to be floating round my mind

If the song I sing is about robbery and murder, does that mean I want to do those things? No. Do I have to have done those things before to enjoy singing about them? No. Do I have to be thinking of those things while I'm singing? No

Don't most people, half the time, sing songs without thinking what the words mean? You just sing it coz it sounds good, right? Coz the tune and the words are relaxing

Well, that's what I'm like, but not just with songs, it's anything I read or hear, from a mag, the telly or someone's lips

Even if singing a rap song makes me feel great, and I combine it with snacks and booze, which I also love, it still don't mean I'm planning to rob snack shops

There's nothing more than that to half the stuff I say. What I say and what I mean can be two very different things

Jukebox

When I was a kid, I bonded with friends like brothers, so seemed socially normal.

But on hitting teenhood, I wasn't able to keep up with all the new social rules. My old friends changed their behaviours, and I couldn't understand why.

When it came to meeting new people, I often felt spaced out and confused, but no one knew I felt that way, and I didn't know no one else did. I thought they all felt the same as me. I thought it was just like zits, something everyone had, and no one wanted to talk about.

So to cover it up, I used to copy what people said, and shout it loudly. My boldness was seen as confidence, and my anxious undercurrent of social awkwardness went undetected.

Yet socialising was a struggle. It drained me, and I often upset folks accidentally by things I said, faces I pulled or gestures I made. I often didn't realise I'd upset them, and when they told me, I couldn't understand why they were upset. It was scary.

So I withdrew socially. Stayed at home in my room, boozing and taking drugs alone.

The drugs weren't working, but they wouldn't go away. So I left town and lived in the forest for two years.

The forest was too small. I knew every tree. I wanted to see the world, so joined the army. Thought it would just be adult cubscouts, like Ray Mears. Didn't know I'd have to hold a gun. Hated that, and failed to socialise in there too, lonely forest boy.

Due to the guns, social ineptitude, and drug flashbacks, I started getting paranoid, thinking all my training pals were talking about me. So I had a mental breakdown.

Never did a tour. Never went to war. Got kicked out for being mentally unstable. Met a chick in the madhouse. Finally, someone normal! She could understand me.

Fell in love for summer. But we split when she went uni.

Became a recluse again, never going out, just staying home on my new laptop. Who needs friends with one of them?

Went in chatrooms anyway, just because why not? Still hadn't learnt social skills.

In my old life, I was a rapper. Copied Eminem. Mouth full of insults. It was normal to me. Didn't think anything of it. Words never meant much to me. I'd say anything to anyone at anytime without a care, not meaning anything by it at all.

Tried chatting up a bunch of girls on the net, like I used to try in my old life, on the streets. I failed on the streets, and I failed on the net, due to social clumsiness.

Not sure now if it was real or not, but I started thinking everyone in chat was gossipping. I felt like they were accusing me of being the kind of crook Eminem raps about. I can see now why they might be confused. But back then, I didn't understand. You can say crazy stuff on stage, but not in chitchat.

That was ten years or so ago. Haven't spoke to anyone since. No one in more than a decade. I took a vow of silence. Meditating on relationships. Reading books on manners. At last the penny is dropping in the jukebox of my social skills.

The record still stops and starts, but I'm getting there. My words are crisp, so you might not think I find social stuff tough. But I do, but I'm doing my best.