I've always been a Highly Sensitive Person. A HSP, as they're sometimes called online.
Another word for it is an Empath. Like a telepath can read your thoughts, an empath reads your emotions. They feel your emotions as much as their own. That's how I've always been. A highly sensitive kid, teen and adult.
When you're that sensitive, you're naturally very kind and caring. You don't want to upset anyone, because if they get sad, you'll feel sad as well.
When you combine this with my cue blindness, it can get very confusing. I often feel angry or sad, so assume other people must be feeling that way. But when I ask, they say they're not. I try to read people's faces, but fail. I see slight changes of expression, misinterpret it as anger or sorrow, and start feeling that way myself. It's very draining, especially when most of the time, people say it's just my imagination. It makes me not want to see people. It's too emotionally draining. If I don't see anyone, I don’t get drained. So that's another reason I'm not very sociable.
I'm the sort of person who, if someone is upset, tries to make them feel better. But I often think people are upset when they're not, so waste my time and energy. If someone looks or sounds upset to me, I feel really sad and worried. Why are they upset? Is it something I've said or done? I feel terribly bad and guilty, even when I've done nothing wrong at all. That's false guilt. Also known as an overactive conscience. It's something that has affected me deeply my whole life long, and still does.
If £5 goes missing, and I can't prove it wasn't me, I start feeling like a thief. I feel so bad that I start acting like a guilty person, looking worried, nervous, shifty and shakey. Mad levels of false guilt. This is the guy you're dealing with here. So remember this whenever you think about the sort of person I am.
I've recently learnt that I'm innocent till proven guilty, so I don't need to worry. But most of my life, I've worried myself sick over nothing. And I'm still hypersensitive to people's feelings. Always will be.
If I ever did or said anything to upset someone by mistake, I'd feel sick with guilt, even though it was just a simple, common, honest mistake.
Being so sensitive to sad people, it's always been of the utmost importance to me not to upset anyone. So I've always had a keen sense of right and wrong, been highly principled, had a moral compass with a strong magnet, pulling me toward doing the right thing, not the wrong one.
Even though I may act silly in the moment, I never actually do anything wrong when it comes down to it. Once I have a chance to think something through, I always choose the nicest, kindest option for everyone involved, so no one will get upset. I know not everyone is like that, but it comes naturally to me. It's a gift. So you can always trust me to make morally sound decisions when it comes to the crunch. It's part of what makes me a good monk. I'd make a good careworker too.
Not everyone suits that kind of work. Some folks are rather hardhearted by nature. That makes them better at other jobs, like spying, detecting, reporting, hunting, digging, bricklaying, science or technology. Things where worrying about people's feelings are less important.
I'm also a joker and a fool, and can be easily swayed and led by other people's emotions in the heat of the moment.
But if it's bad, or anyone gets upset by it, I always feel really guilty after, and vow never to do it again.
Vows are a big part of being a monk. Monks are really determined to do the right thing. It's a way of life to us, not just a job.
So that's who I am. A sensitive guy who hates upsetting anyone, loves pleasing everyone, and always tries to do the wisest, nicest, kindest thing for everyone involved.
Everyone is involved in society, so when I designed a new one, I made sure it would work for everyone. To do that, I just copied Mother Nature, and made it like the sun, which shines equally on everyone.
