Hi guys, as you may have heard, I'm really quick with words, but slow with social skills
Why? Coz when you're an auti, your mind works different
For one thing, you have a parrot in your head. The last thing you hear on the telly, or from someone's lips, keeps playing over and over in your mind, like broken records
It's like when gurus chant mantras, but it happens automatically, with everything
I don't just think it, though. I say it and write it too, and there might be severel phrases running round at once, taking turns to come out my mouth
After a few months or so, they start to fade, replaced by new ones. But months or years later, they come back
Over decades, I've built a whole library of repetitive phrases in my mind. So I'm likely to come out with just about any old or new thing anytime
I make up fresh phrases and stories too. Once you've memorized enough, it's just a case of shuffling them up, and swapping bits round
If I try, like now, I can write real stuff, stuff that makes sense, or stuff with deep meanings
But just like a parrot, most of what comes out my mouth has no meaning at all. I just spout random phrases in funny accents, like a tape recorder
I'm good at speaking and performing when I want to be as well. I love nothing more than filling folks with awe, or getting laughs. So I guess I'm a natural born thespian
Yet I was learning scripts way before social skills. So my idea of being social was tennising lines from films with folks, or new lines I'd made up. I rarely thought of what their words meant, or what they might make of mine
Folks said I just like the sound of my voice. I thought duh, who don't like their voice? I didn't get they were really saying my words were off the mark
When I hear something new, in a film or from a fellow, it flies round my head all day, all week, all month, all year. After a year or two or more, I might bother to think of what it means. Often though, I just say it over and over coz I like the sound, like the chime of a bell, which means diddly squish
It's like when people say "you're barking up the wrong tree" and think it has something to do with tree bark
It's like that, but with everything. I repeat the words, but don't think of what the words really mean
Broken records in my mind is my natural learning process. It helps me remember stuff. But it has a soothing effect as well. When I say the things in my mind out loud, it relaxes me. What autis call "stimming"
Writing the words works just as well. Spelling it out and reading it back is soothing, and if I think I have a one or more man audience, I get a stress-relieving kick from that as well. I start showing off then, with even wilder random phrases, hoping to wow or amuse. It often results in the opposite though, especially when I'm drunk
I waffle everywhere to everyone, coz I'm nearly always stressed or hyped, so need to stim to calm down. I stim at home, at work, with friends or online. I even stim when I'm all alone, so it looks like I'm talking to myself. Well, I guess it don't just look that way, I really AM talking to myself. Either way, so soothing
Trouble is, when I chill myself by waffling, I often annoy, coz I keep shouting the same things over and over, in different accents, at random times. I'm having great fun relaxing myself, not realizing folks nearby are likely thinking of axing me
It's sad, coz I start feeling uptight and anxious if I don't speak or write down whatever happens to be spinning round my mind. The more stressed I am, the more I waffle. So if I'm told not to keep waffling coz it stresses folks out, my own stress builds till I end up in a meltdown
I'm fast at learning words. It's an auti gift. My speaking and spelling are spot on. So to hear me talk, you'd think I'm fully aware of what I'm saying
The auti curse is being really slow at learning WHEN to say things, WHO to say them to, and WHY those things should or should not be said. So when attending a funeral, people will say, "You have my condolences," and an auti will say, "Have you been smoking pot? Your eyes are red." Then they usually punch you. The amount of kicks and punches I've had after putting my foot in it. It's not even funny. I've offended people more times than you've had McDonald's
I gave a good speech at my bro's funeral, but that was written down. You should see all the folks I offended after by shouting stuff not on script at the pub
Worst thing I said was I shot folks in the army. Cried it with tears so it looked real. I'm so melodramatic. For the record, I never shot anyone. It was just a fear I'd had, which decided to spew out my mouth at that moment, to a full house. Smart
Six months earlier, that same fear gave me a breakdown at the basecamp. I couldn't cope with the thought of getting shot at, and the last thing I wished to do was start shooting back. So I took an overdose of pills and got carted to the hospital, then out of the army forever. So I never toured Iraq, got shot at or shot back. Phew!
It was my biggest tantrum ever at the pub that day, though. I think folks let me off coz my brother died
I never mean to offend by what I say. I just waffle on and on without thinking. I don't pick up on their words, gestures or facial expressions, warning me to shut my mouth. So eventually, they shut it for me
I've learnt this now of course. To some degree. I went through a phase of asking folks to spell it out, draw a pic, or pick a pic from a sheet of pics, to show me what their whacky words and gestures meant
I was never sure how to respond to "how are you?" So I showed them pics of shows I liked instead, like Lost and Supernatural. Trying to show them what I was thinking of. It didn't help me understand what THEY were thinking though. So I still kept saying things at wrong times
I'm not sure I'll ever fully understand. Though I've learnt to spot a few social cues, I'm still blind to many, and slow to respond. My main coping strategy now is just not speaking out of turn. Then even if what I say is off the mark, it'll probably be more amusing than vexing
It's scary being blind to social cues, coz you never know how people will react, or when. One day, you're standing there being normal, and people have a good reaction to you, laughing, saying you're nice and funny. Next day, you're standing there being just as normal, doing nothing different, and people be flying at you in a rage. Makes you paranoid in the end. Makes you not want to socialize or talk to anyone. So harrowing and confusing. But over the decades, I've learnt one simple coping mechanism that doesn't get many laughs, but don't incite much anger either. Keep my trap shut! It just means I'm far quieter than I used to be
It's taken me till my late 30s to start sussing why and what and what not to say to who and when and how. Stuff I now notice little kids picking up on. I see them mimicking and responding to social cues that I never knew even existed till now. It's bizarre. It's like there's this whole other social dimension that's invisible to me. I can sense it to some degree, like a blind person can hear your words, but can't see you say them. Coz even though I can now sometimes see certain social cues, I still don't know what they mean, or how I'm meant to respond. The worst part is there seems to be no universal response. Folks respond differently at different times
Trying to memorize them all seems impossible, coz soon as you remember one, it changes. It's madness. Especially when I ask what it means, and people don't even know themselves, or don't even know they've done it. Just like me when I shout random phrases. I never even used to know I'd spoken, till I got a smack. Now I've learnt to shut my trap, but the secret science of social signals may forever be a mystery to me
Now you know why I've said so many stupid things at the wrong times, and not just once, but on repeat
To make this whole situation worse, I spent about 5 years of my life listening to Eminem on repeat. That's enough to make anyone foulmouthed, but with socially oblivious, hyperlexic echolalia boy here, I was foulmouthed at all the wrong places and times
Then, of course, there's the demon drink! Not to mention the other drugs that have blurred my senses. When you add them to my already bad enough recipe for social slipups, it's an accident whoa ting to happen
So off I go online, swearing at people, calling them names, telling dumb jokes, repeating all the different things I'd heard from different folks in different places over many years, all at the wrong times, and putting my foot in every pile of "don't step there" around
To anyone who had the misfortune of hearing my babble, I'm sorry for the crass and scornful things I said. I honestly didn't mean them. I didn't realise I was insulting anyone. I was just copying Eminem, and thought I was being amusing. When you shouted back, I thought you were just playing along, and like me, wasn't really angry. I'm really kind and caring at heart. I'm not a spiteful person, despite all the harsh-sounding things I said
Deep down, I want the best for everyone. That's why I designed the multiversity for all. I hope we can live there together someday, in this life or a future one
This year I'm hoping to be more sociable. I find it easier to talk on wall posts or a blog, as there's no social cues to read. So I'm starting with Facebook. If it goes well, I might progress to face to face
You might be surprised at how well spoken and polite I am. It hasn't come easy, let me tell you. It's the result of studying the social arts from an outside perspective for decades
That's the auti gift. It don't mean I'm not cue-blind anymore. I'm like a blind guy who uses his hearing to become even sharper than sighted people, like Master Po from Kung Fu:
Or Samurai Jack:
These aren't just stories. They show us what is possible. When one of our senses is blocked out, the others naturally sharpen up
Take my project for example. Everyone knows folks do different jobs, but it takes an auti to work out how to put them in a circle. Something so simple, yet something you might never notice otherwise
In the same way, my social skills may be more neatly arranged than most. But that don't mean you can't copy me, and sharpen your own skills up
It's not like I'm not human after all. I'm just the guy who sits back, sees things differently, then shows you what you already knew in new ways
